Catch 22

I think I’m stuck in a Catch 22.

I have daydreamed a lot about returning to work. The walk back onto the campus from the Light Rail stop. Reconnecting with people. Laughing to myself when I see those robot security guards. Learning what’s changed and happened with projects that are now over a year on. I’ve been a fan of Juniper ever since touching an M40e for the first time 15 years ago at Telecom NZ.

But returning to work is looking complicated. Recovery will be slow and incremental, requiring accommodation, long before I begin to look anything like my old self.

The catch I can’t work out is: IVIG is only being provided on this very narrow plan here in New England. When we return home we will be back on Cigna and the IVIG will stop. Any improvements I made on the IVIG here will revert. If the IVIG improves my condition then it needs to be continued for at least a few years (though the dosage may be reduced). If my condition is improved enough that I can return to work at some point, then I no longer get disability, and must find work. But if I can’t find work that has an employer who would accommodate me during recovery, and provide insurance that covers the continuation of the IVIG treatment, then I relapse.

Do I have to hope my condition doesn’t improve to the point I can return to work so we don’t end up homeless? Do I have to give up IVIG treatment because finding an employer that has insurance that will continue that treatment is impossible from this position?

I have too much time to reflect, and I think a lot about what if things had gone different. It’s hard to wish for too much to change. For example, I never would’ve met my wife without something bad that happened to me, which created the circumstances for it. I think about the the amazing places I got to work. Coming to the US to work at Amazon is such a great memory. I remember the excitement of the interview. The lunch at Republic Bar (about the only thing around there back then) with a guy who looked too young and too cool to be my manager, he was telling me all about cool sounding shit that was new to me, using merchant silicon, etc. The best team I ever worked with and a lot of fun on a job (between the stress). Working there changed my view on so much that it probably damaged me for future employers. Amazon provides IVIG in these cases, if I had made it work out we might not be in this predicament. Microsoft! That backbone was like my baby, I wish I still had hands on it. Had I never left, would Microsoft have helped me with the IVIG? I don’t know, but it seems more likely. Or where would we be now if I had got lucky with that Google interview 2.5 years ago. My specialist in Mountain View tells me that they’re absolutely the best at handling her other patients like me, it sounds like a dream.